Pissing contests.

I've never had the pleasure of having an actual pissing contest with one of my clients, only metaphorical ones. In such contests the donor will try to assert himself as some kind of alpha male, transcendent, lifted above the rules that govern mere mortals. I delight in tormenting such people, especially when it can be done in such a way as to scarcely pay them any attention at all. Observe.

Once a week I have to be at the office earlier than normal in order to accomodate our largest client. At the beginning of each month I get a list of forty or fifty names of employees that have been randomly selected to show up on these pre-determined mornings for testing. So I show up early, do collections for a solid hour or two, and then revert to my typical day of killing time.

The pissing contest is initiated by Mr. Pissy, who is in a bad mood that he has been selected for random testing at all. We get to the part in the sign-in procedure where I need to see Mr. Pissy's photo ID. Instead of giving it to me, he wants to argue about the process by which names are randomly chosen in his company.

"Sorry sir, that's something you'd have to ask your supervisors."

"How do you know who is supposed to be here?"

"I have a list."

"Can I see the list?"

"No."

"I'm not giving you my ID until I see the list."

Okay, suit yourself. I tell Mr. Pissy that if he should have a seat until I have a chance to help the three men waiting behind him. He sits there fuming while I conduct these three collections. During the elapsed 20 minutes three more men have come in behind him. After the third collection is done he approaches once again, this time with his ID in his hand. I go to take it.

"Not so fast, I want to see this list."

"I'm not authorized to show the list to anyone."

He throws his ID on the counter, muttering something about how this is all ridiculous. I fill in his name, birthdate and phone number. I'm halfway through writing his social security number (which is on my list) when he tries to stop me.

"You're not allowed to put my social on there."

"Of course I am. All federal drug tests require it."

"Not if I say you can't."

"Well then," I shrug, "you'll just have to have a seat and wait for the gentlemen who don't say I can't."

I proceed to take the next three men ahead of him. Two of them hand me their social security cards, which is a nice but unnecessary gesture. I get the impression that these guys are going out of their way to make a statement to Mr. Pissy about how not ridiculous the process is if you don't act like a child.

The office empty once again, I ask Mr. Pissy if he's ready to continue. He doesn't protest the use of his social security number again.

I take him back and ask him to empty his pockets. He puts his ID and sunglasses on the counter and holds his hand out, expecting me to hand him the sample cup.

"Everything out of all your pockets, please," I tell him.

He places a wad of tissue and his keys on the counter and then holds his hand out again.

"That includes your wallet, radio, cell phone, and your knife case, please."

"You're not getting my wallet."

"I'll lock it up for you if you want but--"

"You're not getting my wallet."

Okay, suit yourself. I throw the sample cup away and head out to the lobby where a few more people have started emerging. It's now past the time I'd normally be open. Mr. Pissy has been here over 40 minutes.

I help a couple young ladies get a job at a call center somewhere before Mr. Pissy speaks up again. "Look, are we gonna do this or not?"

"Depends on whether or not you want to cooperate."

"This is ridiculous. I'm out of here."

I inform Mr. Pissy that if he leaves I have to record his paperwork as having refused to test.

"That's idiotic! Are you saying I can't leave?"

"I'm saying you shouldn't."

"I'm calling my boss to report you. You can't be doing this stuff to people."

I have his supervisor on my speed dial. By the time he's whipped out his cell phone I'm already talking to his boss. "Good morning, it's Richard. Oh, pretty good. Listen, I have one of your guys here, says he wants to talk to you. Okay, hold on."

I hand Mr. Pissy the phone. He doesn't believe what he's seing. Of course he had no intention of calling anyone at all; he was bluffing in order to scare me. I know from experience that employers (and this employer especially) don't like to hear about people having problems with their drug tests.

Mr. Pissy stammers something out to his boss. Suddenly he's a little lamb. "No, sir, he did-- he didn't tell me about the social thing. I didn't know about that. No, he didn't say nothing about having a box to put my stuff in. Yeah I've been here for like 45... well almost an hour. Yes sir. Yeah, okay."

He hands my phone back to me. "He wants to talk to you again."

I have a pre-existing arrangement with this employer. Usually I stack up their copies of the paperwork, and once a week they send a guy around to pick them up. For this man, though, The Bossman wants Mr. Pissy to deliver the company's copy to him personally. I can only imagine there's going to be an interesting conversation there.

Mr. Pissy's collection goes off without a hitch after that. Suddenly all the little roadblocks don't seem to bother him.

I cross him off the list. Despite being the first from his company to show up today, he's the last one finished. He turned what should have been a five-minute collection into a fifty-five minute pissing contest, in which he scored zero points. I call The Bossman back and tell him that Mr. Pissy is on the way with his form.

Then, my busiest, earliest morning behind me, I sit down to get back into my book.

This story is actually a month old. Mr. Pissy showed up on his company list again this month. Today he didn't seem to mind drug testing at all. Go figure.

Directionless.

One thing I'm particularly terrible at is giving directions. The main reason for this is because I tend not to leave the fifteen-or-so mile radius around my apartment, so people often ask for directions coming from faraway lands where for all I know they ride magic carpets and slay dragons. Another is that I have a truly pitiful sense of direction myself; I keep a Post-It attached to the wall near my phone to keep me from confusing east with west. A quick look at Google Maps can sometimes clear the matter up, but not always, and on occassion I am forced to simply point out that I have no idea where the person is, and thus can't give them directions.

I've discovered there are lots of ways to give directions. First off you have people like myself, who are address hunters. The way I've always done things is to get the address of the place, and then locate it. If i can't find the exact address I'll determine whether the numbers are going up or down and then pinpoint the location of the business I want based on the addresses I can see.

Very few people navigate like that, however. Most people use a blend of cross-streets and landmarks to get where they're going. This is problematic because, for one, I don't really register landmarks as I drive, so it's hard for me to determine what, if anything, in my area would make a good landmark to begin with. Secondly, there really aren't any prominent landmarks in my area. It's essentially just a series of strip-malls on either side of the road, no one sign really standing above the rest. The few slightly-bigger-than-the-rest signs that are out there have all failed me in the past, and what works fine for one person isn't going to work for the next.

The best landmark to get you to my office is the apartment complex I sit in front of. That's right, in front of. Not next to, not near, not across the street from. The apartments sit back from the road far enough for a row of businesses to sit in front of it as a buffer. You actually have to turn in to the apartment complex to get to my parking lot, but even this information fails as often as not because the rows of stores on either side of me use the exact same system.

Giving the name of my business isn't even helpful in some cases, because not everyone is looking for that name. For one, we have two company names: one for the side of the company that does physicals and what-have-you, and another for the drug testing. All our paperwork has both names on it, but the sign in my window only advertises the drug testing. So even with the correct forms in-hand, people are looking for the wrong sign right out of the gate. To make matters worse we work with two different labs, so a lot of people are sent out looking for the name of the lab instead of the collection site.

Compounding the problem even further is the fact that employers like to give little maps to their new-hires before sending them out, which would be helpful except the maps haven't been updated since 2000. Hundreds of clients out there each with their own little version of what the area my office sits in used to look like... not very helpful. This usually ends with me getting chewed out by the donor after they've driven around for an hour while needing to pee, or with someone barking at me on a cell phone insisting that a sign or business exists where it doesn't, because after all, that's what the map says.

To be perfectly honest, I don't know how anyone could drive by my building and not see my sign. It's easy to get confused with all these different factors tripping you up at the start, but five phone calls to me later there isn't much I can help you with. It isn't uncommon at all to finally get a person into my general area, making U-turns back and forth in front of my office, still completely incapable of locating it. There comes a point where I simply have to tell someone to slow their car down to 20 mph and closely examine every window they see, and turn at the one that matches my company name. Calls from my parking lot are fairly common too: "Okay, I'm in the parking lot... now which door are you?"

I keep hoping one day I'll stumble across a perfect solution that will solve my direction-giving dilemma once and for all. Until then... well, at least I have my Post-It.

Maybe I could just buy some road flares, and hire a clown to set them off in front of my office. If people miss that, there's really nothing I can do for them.

Mr. Nice Guy doesn't work here.

I'm not a nice person. This is the number one complaint about me from one (and only one, to my knowledge) specific company for whom I do drug testing. The little old ladies this company hires exclusively all find me particularly unpleasant. It's a fact.

I suppose they have a point. I take my job seriously and don't loosen the rules for anyone, whether they look like g-dawg gangsta or ol' Granny Smith. I can spot the stereotypes a mile away, and can predict with better-than-chance accuracy who is going to try to cheat and who is not, but that isn't any reason to not treat every single person the same way. In a way, going for a drug test means being treated like a criminal -- I can understand that mentality, which is why I try to make the process as smooth as possible. However, I am not apologetic and you don't have my sympathy. Things are done the correct way or they are not done at all.

In addition to my pretty hardcore adherence to my job's rules and guidelines, I lack a few of the character traits people generally find charming. For one, I'm immune to smalltalk. People like to chitchat to pass the time, but I've got enough stuff to accomplish that just fine, thanks. Legitimate questions about my work will get honest answers, but just about any other topic will get a polite nod and nothing more.

For another, I don't seem to have the ability to fake laughter. The number of absolutely boneheaded comments people try to pass off as jokes (or, at least, "amusing comments") makes my head spin. After all my paperwork was done I used to ask people, "Are you ready to go?" I've had to abandon that particular wording, because people would respond "Yeah, literally!" and them laugh at themselves for having said it. If the only way you can convince yourself that you are clever is to laugh at your own comments, that might be an indication that you're not clever at all. Wit doesn't work for everyone.

Sometimes people will press it even further than that, though; they'll say something genuinely unwitty, chuckle to themselves for having done so, and then confront me about my response. "Don't you ever laugh?" they'll say, as though my non-reaction to their one comment is any indication of my sense of humor. What's the correct way to respond to that? Just point out that yes, I do in fact laugh, and very often at that, but first I have to hear something funny, and your bad pun doesn't qualify? I've often thought about taking it in the other direction:"No," I'd respond, "my life is an endless spiral of misery and torment. I wallow in the bog of my own depression. I will probably kill myself once you've left the office. Please fill this cup above the temperature sticker..."

The little old ladies from the aformentioned company make it their business to get me to laugh at them, as though I'm some kind of British guard. I bet there's a betting pool at their office: first person to get the drug test guy to laugh wins a jar of money. They try everything short of dangling their keys in front of me while making googly noises. What I wish they would understand is that their antics have exactly the opposite effect. Their various distractions increase the risk of there being a mistake somewhere during the collection, and thus harden my resolve to become stricter and stricter with the rules until they give up. I think about the number of women I've seen who were so preoccupied with trying to start a frivolous conversation that they missed the part where I told them not to flush the toilet, and I really do wallow in the bog of my own depression.

At the same time though, I'm not a mean person. I'm not impolite. I don't avoid eye contact. I reserve the sarcastic comments for only the most vile of people. I know my courtesies, I say "please" and "thank you". I don't go out of my way to be rude, and if I come off that way then perhaps you need to take a step back yourself and get some thicker skin. The little old ladies who complain about me have worked so many years in an office environment that they've become accustomed to their fake, plastic personalities, and it's what they've come to expect from everyone else. I wonder how many of them remember what real laughter sounds like.

I do have the pleasure of meeting genuinely witty people from time to time. These people seem to have nothing bad at all to say about their drug testing experience.

He's really short.

It occurs to me that someone could read my blog and come away with the impression that I either never make mistakes, or that I make them all the time and blame them on other people. However, I made what is possibly the stupidest, most embarrassing mistake of my entire life just the other day.

I'm filling out this gentleman's form. His first name is Gary, and his last name starts with "Co" and ends with "n". Without thinking, on reflex alone I write "Gary Coleman" on my form.

Really, that's the whole story. What else do I need to say about it?

The guy was like six feet tall, and wasn't black. Nevertheless, he wasn't pleased.

An open letter.

My last post was about a mean old hag who yelled at me for doing one of her office's collections. This was a strange and highly unlikely scenario in which either office could have done the collection, so I had not made a mistake. Nonetheless I have been instructed by my employer not to do collections for that office's MRO, and I have not done so since the incident.

This would be much easier if that other office would keep a closer eye on their people, though. Just now a woman walked in with the very form I have been ordered not to touch, saying she was sent over because she had a Mapquest printout with my address on it. Obviously the clerk looked at the address, rather than the actual paperwork, and kicked the woman out so they could get their line moving faster. So now this poor woman has been ping-ponged between two different drug test offices and has had to wait through their insane line twice.

This is an open letter to the mean old hag who yelled at me last week.

Dear Old Hag,

You should focus more on governing your own employees and less on hassling me. Something you may not know: people don't like taking drug tests. It's embarrassing. It can be frustrating. It can be time-consuming, especially if the office has a long wait. It can also be confusing, since there are so many offices and so many rules and so many different forms. But honestly, it only takes a few seconds to actually look at the paperwork in front of your face before dismissing it out of hand.

I have my own little procedure when I see a form I don't recognize. First, I check for any overt, obvious signs of your office's name. If I see one, I send the donor on over. Also, I know several of your clients by name as well, so there are some occassions where I can just look at the company name on the form and know it's yours. If I don't know, I call my boss, who can run the name of the donor's company against our own database to see if maybe it's just one of our clients I don't recognize. If they have a map or an address and have just shown up in the wrong place entirely, I offer to call the office they need to be at and get them directions. These are courtesies I extend to these people because I am a decent human being.

As for the endless barrage of people you send over to me who are neither my client nor yours, I really don't mind that. You aren't willing to help them get where they need to be; I am. I look like a saint, you look like a jerk, and the donor ends up in the right place. Everybody wins. Except you, jerk.

The reason people go to your office with your form but my map is because I am listed as a third-party collector for that particular lab. That means it is your responsibility to make sure your employees actually bother to look at the form the person is carrying so people aren't inconvenienced any more than is necessary. It's a sad, sad day when some punk kid can run an office better than an entire team of supposedly qualified employees, isnt it?

Love, the Peemeister

Next time this happens I'm going to just do the collection. Hey, they obviously don't want it!

The drug test place next door.

This may come as a surprise, but two doors down from my office (in the same tiny office plaza in fact) is a competing drug test site. It's actually a much larger office (the company's corporate office in fact), and provides lots of services I don't. In addition to urine testing, I believe they do blood draws, perform physicals, and other such nonsense.

This actually causes much less of a clash than one would think; their company has their clients, my company has ours, and it's easy to tell which is which. In most cases, it isn't a matter of a patient looking at two drug test places and then deciding where to go; they're usually given a form with an address on it and told to show up.

The operative term here, of course, is "in most cases". This morning it has been brought to my attention that there is at least one case in which our interests overlap.

As I've been ranting about lately, my office has recently taken on the responsibility of third party collections. What this means is, rather than being sent to a specific office donors are given a list of offices they can go to, and told to pick the most convenient one. This sometimes works in reverse as well; a donor could take one of our forms to a collection site that is registered as a third party collector with our lab, in theory. Of course the lab we use is a smallish one, and I don't think many of our clients even offer the option.

Point is, there's a difference between going to the drug test place, and going to a drug test place. This morning I found out that the office next door uses as its primary lab the very one I am registered with to do third party collections. In other words, there exists a very small number of people who really do have a choice of which of our two offices to visit.

Here's the rub: we get paid for providing the service of accepting third party collections. At the same time, we pay a company who accepts one of our collections for us. If someone comes to me with my neighbor's form, and it's actually a collection I'm authorized to do, they pay us for the privelage. (I'm a little fuzzy on the details on exactly how this works, but that's the gist of it.)

This morning during my 8:30 am pre-caffeinated stupor I was chewed out quite thoroughly for doing just such a collection. Several, in fact, over the course of the past few weeks. I was told by a woman who is not my employer (and is, in fact, employed by a competing office) that I need to send all such collections to her office.

"We will not pay when you steal one of our collections," she demanded. I gave her a curt nod and she was out the door.

So, here's my dilemma.

I could, very easily, identify which of these third party collections they want, and send them over. Indeed, I send people over their way all the time, when they come in with paperwork I can't process, or have been sent to me mistakenly by one of their clients. I am generally all for anything that lightens my already tiny workload.

But at the same time, it's not like I'm consciously stealing their business, or making a serious mistake. If their office were located, say, a mile away there would be no discussion at all. It would just be a matter of the donor bringing me a valid form, and me completing a valid collection.

If you walk into McDonald's by accident and order a Whopper, are they obligated to send you to the Burger King across the street? Can they sell you a Big Mac and hope you can't tell the difference?

This is to say nothing of the fact that the donor actually has a choice. It's true that anyone who walks into my office with their form is making an honest mistake. But what if the person really, truly knows they can pick which office to walk into? Their office is almost always jam packed; mine is almost always empty. What if someone knows they have a choice, and have honestly come to me because it'll make their day go by quicker?

It's a delicate situation. I wonder if I can navigate it successfully without getting yelled at...

The situation between our two offices is actually much, much more complicated than I've outlined here, but that's a topic for another day... maybe.

The lockbox.

Some people decry drug testing as being invasive, and perhaps to some extent it is. I don't personally agree (after all, we're dealing with bodily waste here... what were you going to do with it, anyway?), although I do concede that the collection process itself can be irritating and even humiliating. The part I believe is most invasive, however, is where I ask you to empty your pockets.

The reason for this is obvious, of course: we don't want anyone to sneak something into the bathroom with which to adulterate the sample. Nor do we want anyone to sneak in a sample that isn't theirs. As it turns out, though, nobody likes to be separated from their belongings for any length of time. Most people simply drop their stuff in a little pile on my counter and do their business. A few guys go through the whole "this too?" routine, as though their wallet or their cell phone or their car keys are somehow exempt from the policy.

Some guys don't want to empty their pockets at all, or adamantly refuse to leave one or more of their belongings behind. For these guys, I have the lockbox. This is a small white box that will hold pretty much anything the average man can carry, and then some. The box hangs over the top of the door, so it's inside the bathroom with the donor. The key stays outside the room, with me. Thus the donor is sure I'm not stealing his credit cards, and I'm confident he's not hiding anything in his sample.

The pocket-emptying ritual is mainly a detterent, in my experience. I'm not allowed to do pat downs or strip searches, so it's still relatively simple to hide just about anything you like anywhere on your person, just so long as I can't see it. Still, you'd be surprised the kinds of things people pull out of their pockets: everything from hidden samples to little sealed packets of liquid or powder. Sometimes they sheepishly slide from their pockets to my garbage can so I don't see what they're throwing away. Sometimes they tell me they want to run out to their car, and I watch as they open the door, drop something on the seat, and then come back inside. Sometimes they just don't come back.

I know it's nothing personal, but I admit I feel offended when guys treat me like a thief. A relatively common occurence is for the guy to slip all the cash out of his billfold and count it in front of me. This is especially humorous when the gentleman in question isn't particularly wealthy; don't worry fella, your seven dollars is safe with me. The curious thing about the money-count is that there is usually very little follow-up. After the collection is done, the money is usually stuffed back into its pocket without even so much as a glance to verify that it is, in fact, the same amount.

Only once have I been actually accused of stealing someone's belongings: cash in the amount of five dollars. This from a donor whose on-site test came back flagged for both marijuana and cocaine. He swore to have me fired.

You'll notice that I've been referring only to men, up until this point. This is because women always have purses, and purses don't fit into the lockbox. I imagine with some heavy-duty shoving I could squeeze a small-ish purse inside, but most ladies carry these enormous planet-sized bags that would take at least two lockboxes to accomodate. Thus, when a woman doesn't want to leave her things behind her only course of action is to lock them in her car and then return. I recall one case in which a woman did exactly this, and then was dismayed when I asked that she leave her car keys on the counter, as though I could drive off with her SUV in the 30 seconds her back was turned.

Sometimes even the lockbox isn't enough, however. If there is a point of the collection the donor will object to, endlessly, it's the lockbox. I have formed the opinion that these are men who seek some loophole in the collection process they can exploit later on, though I don't have any real way to test this hypothesis (only a small fraction of the collections I do require on-site tests... not enough of a sample to really correlate anything with the results I see). Some men get to the pockets portion of the collection, and even after the lockbox has been offered can still find no compromise. Some end up getting angry and leaving altogether, drug test be damned.

So yeah, I understand the mentality. People simply do not like to be separated from their stuff, most of all the woman who came tearing out of the bathroom with her pants only pulled halfway up because she heard her cell phone ringing on my counter. In the universal list of priorities, "keeping your junk hidden from view of total strangers" apparently ranks below "telling Trisha I'll call her back in like ten minutes".

The largest amount of cash someone has ever left on my counter is $1200, in $100 and $20 bills. The gentleman counted it out before he went in, but not after he came out. That could have been a pretty big payday, I suppose.

No loud noises, sudden movements, or flash photography.

Today's tale is the kind that is too crazy to make up.

I'll just go ahead and get the fun part out of the way. The inconceivable has, after 2.5 years, finally happened: I've spilled a sample.

Yeah. Ewwwww.

For the record: urine isn't harmful in any way. Go ahead, splash around in it. Gargle the stuff. Put it on your cereal. Whatever. It can't really hurt you. There's no potential health hazard to spilling a cup of urine near or on yourself. So I'm not going to break out in pee-pox or anything, it just doesn't work like that.

Also for the record: it wasn't my fault. Just stop laughing and wait until you hear the story.

It's a normal collection all the way through, save for the weird questions Mr. Dawg is asking me. "Is you all alone in here, all day?" Yep. "So someone could just roll in here and rob the joint?" I suppose so, though all they'd get is my pocket change and a few boxes of sample cups. "Yo I got a license for this 9 millimeter in my pocket, aight?" (He doesn't actually have a gun. This is apparently a funny joke that people like to make.)

As I'm trying to give him instructions, Mr. Dawg blurts out, "Hey, yo, son, so like you drive the peemobile?"

Yes. Of course I do.

I don't know why Mr. Dawg had it in for me. Perhaps it had something to do with my complete lack of interest in his "jokes" and diversions. If you poke around the "how to cheat on drug test" sites enough, one of the suggestions they have is to try and distract the collector. Try to get them to skip a step. Try to fill out the form wrong. I wonder if that's what creates the Mr. Dawgs of the world: feeble attempts to keep my mind off the procedure. Create a loophole he can slip through later when his test inevitably comes back positive.

Well, Mr. Dawg actually managed to do it. Well done.

There is one crucial point in the collection which requires my undivided attention: pouring the sample from the cup into the bottle. Imagine trying to pour a quantity of liquid from a measuring cup into a two-liter soda bottle. That's about the ballpark here. It's not difficult, but if you slip you have a mess on your hands. Right at this crucial moment, the pouring, the sacred three-second ritual where I am not paying any attention at all to the donor... Mr. Dawg starts barking like a dog.

Loudly. And suddenly. Like a Baha Men concert in my brain. Like a crazed Arsenio Hall fanboy on speed.

My whole body jolts. The cup falls to the floor. The bottle tips over on the counter. 40-some mililiters of ick go spilling everywhere.

Mr. Dawg just bursts out laughing.

"What is your problem!?" I shout, wishing he really did have a gun in his pocket so I'd have something to murder him with. No court would convict me. "Your honor, the defendant's act was fully justified. The victim made him spill pee."

As Mr. Dawg is exploding with laughter, I quickly realize three things. First, there obviously isn't enough urine in the bottle to complete this collection. Second, this is not going to be a pretty clean up job. Third, the form is drenched and I can't replace it (as I don't keep spare forms for that particular lab).

I tell Mr. Dawg that because of his unacceptable juvenile behavior, he now has to go get another form if he wants to complete this collection. I also inform him that he won't be doing it here.

"Naw man, I done everything you said, I ain't gotta do nothin' else."

"Okay, fine. You can leave, then."

Mr. Dawg exits, still chuckling. I get my mop, my sponge, and various spray bottles and set to work making my workspace livable again.

No sooner am I done drying the area do I get a phone call from Mr. Dawg's would-be employer. "He says you spilled his, er, sample, and then got mad and kicked him out."

I delight in detailing exactly how I managed to spill his, er, sample. The employer doesn't believe me. I wouldn't believe me either. He was barking like a dog? Yeah, right.

"We're just going to give him another form, and send him back. You close at 1:00, right?"

"Yes, but don't bother. I'm not going to do this collection."

"Excuse me?"

"Mr. Dawg's conduct was immature and I'm not having it. Check your list of third party collection sites and send him to another one."

"Wait. You can't do that."

"If he comes back here, new form or no, I'll refuse to do the collection. It's that simple."

"Who is your supervisor at [insert lab name here]?"

"I don't have one. I'm a third party collector, just like the other two dozen collection sites in the area, one of which will soon be as amused as I was by Mr. Dawg's childish antics."

"This isn't the way to do business."

"That's really a shame. I have to go now. Good day."

I really did have to go. Another client had walked in, and this one had the decency to not ruin my morning by acting like a five-year-old.

I don't really have any reason to believe that Mr. Dawg was trying to screw up the test on purpose. It's possible he just never learned the few basic rules of civility the rest of us take for granted. It's possible he actually thought he was being funny, that I'd just laugh it off and, I dunno, siphon the spilled bladder-juice into the bottle with a straw. It's possible he thought I'd hang his sopping form on some clothespins to dry, go out and have a beer with him, and someday tell my grandchildren about the greatest comedian I'd ever met.

The how-to-cheat sites tell you to try and disrupt the process. Now more than ever I know that's just an extra reason to pay attention. My general policy is that if someone acts stupid, treat them like they're stupid. If you don't want to be embarrassed, don't act like you're mentally incapable of accomplishing simple tasks without being a jerk. Either way, acting like a clown won't get you under my radar. But it might get you kicked out of my office.

In the rare case something on the form actually does end up wrong, the lab just faxes me an affidavit to sign and that's the end of it. So screwing with the form isn't even a good way to cheat. Go figure.

Shouldn't have said that.

Working in the service industry, one learns to hold one's tongue.

Of course there are other times where one simply cannot help being a snarky bastard.

Every so often I'll get lippy with a client, and realize what I'm saying is wrong even as I'm saying it. I thought I'd share some of those experiences today.

---

A lady walks in and she's hopping mad. Beet red, steam firing from the gaskets behind her ears, and a scowl on her face that threatens to wrench her jaw clear off of her skull. "There is NO sign out there," she declares. "They said there would be a huge sign that says [my company's name] on it, but there is NO sign."

I stare past her at the huge sign in my window, perfectly visible from any and all angles at quite a distance. The only way she could have missed it is if she wasn't bothering to look for it. I apologize for the inconvenience and we get on with the collection.

She's so burning mad about this sign thing that she isn't listening to my intructions. I go through the entire spiel (wash your hands, don't flush the toilet, etc) twice before she snatches the cup out of my hands and stomps into the bathroom. About three minutes later, the toilet flushes. She comes out and I inform her that a second collection will have to be done, as she flushed the toilet.

"What!? You didn't tell me that!"

Of course I did. Twice, in fact.

"Well, you should put a giant sign in the bathroom saying it!"

"There was one, ma'am; you just didn't see it."

I winced. Shouldn't have said that.

---

A woman comes in with her two screaming children. These are children of an age where they should be able to go out into public without screaming. I had them pegged at about nine and twelve; definately capable of sitting quietly for a few minutes while Mommy tends to her business.

I quickly see where they get it from; Mommy is a 40-year-old brat. She insists on making the entire process as difficult as possible. She doesn't want to leave her purse behind. She doesn't want to wash her hands. She whines about just having her nails done. "You are welcome to come back tomorrow, ma'am," I offer, genuinely wanting her out of my hair.

Instead, she decides to redifine "washing your hands" as "holding your hands under running water for less than two seconds". I ask her to wash them again, properly this time.

"I just washed them."

"Please wash them again, using the soap provided." When detailing common sense instructions at point-blank range, I find it's best to use a firm but polite voice. But really, there's no way you can teach a grown adult how to wash her hands without sounding condescending. I hear her kids giggle from the lobby. The woman turns red.

She washes her hands again, while I watch. This time she makes a show of scrubbing them, but hasn't actually touched the soap. As she goes to reach for a paper towel, I ask her: "Did you use soap?"

"Of course I did."

"I didn't see you use any soap."

"Then you must be blind."

"I'll need you to wash your hands again, using the soap provided," I repeat.

She does so, using nearly half the bottle of soap. As she furiously scrubs the skin off the back of her hands she remarks, "I'm a grown woman, you can stop treating me like a child."

"I will, as soon as you stop acting like one."

The kids in the lobby are howling. The woman glares at me for a moment, then grabs her purse (without stopping to dry her hands), wrenches both of her kids from their chairs and drags them out to her minivan. She never comes back to complete the collection.

Whoops. Shouldn't have said that.

---

Four men come in, needing a drug test to get their coast guard licenses in order so they can take their commercial fishing boat out. One of them had called me about an hour prior to get my address. He drove here from the other end of the county for some reason. He insisted that he needed to come to this office, even though he could have gone to literally any drug test collection site he wanted. I don't keep any of my competitor's names and addresses handy, though, and because I couldn't point him to another office he decided it was in his best interests to travel for forty-five minutes and interrupt me just as I was about to take my lunch break.

I call in their company credit card, which is charged for four tests. The first three collections go down without a hitch. The fourth man, however, doesn't have a photo ID. He left it in his wallet, which is back at work.

"No problem. Which of you gentlemen is his supervisor?" I'm assuming here that one of the guys is the supervisor or overseer or whatever nautical term applies. But they just exchange glances. "None of us," on of them says. "We just work on the boat."

"Without a photo ID or a supervisor here in person, I can't do his collection," I point out.

Now everyone gets angry.

"Why do you need his ID? You have the man right here!"

"All three of us can vouch for him."

"None of us can go back to work until this is done!"

Much whining and groaning ensues, but there's nothing I can do for them. It's not my fault the guy left his ID laying somewhere. As hostilities start to rise I point out this simple fact. "No, but it's your fault for not telling him to bring it!"

"Excuse me?"

"You never said we'd need our IDs!"

"I assumed you knew. It's pretty much a given. You three didn't forget yours, even without being told."

From this point on it's all my fault. Even though the man without his ID was not the man I spoke to on the phone, I somehow should have still contacted him telepathically and reminded him to do something that every other adult in the United States does every day of their lives just out of habit.

Fed up with the accusations, I look at the ID-less man right in the eyes. He must be at least 20 years older than me. "Sir, you need to carry your ID at all times. I apologize if nobody has informed you of this, but in our society it is expected that all legal adults have a form of photo identification on them" I launch into a lecture about the exact purpose of photo identification, where he can acquire one, etc. I talk to him like he's an absolute idiot; obviously his co-workers think he is.

The four men storm out. The first three are angry, the fourth merely incredibly humiliated. I never did find out if they bothered to ask for a refund.

Definately shouldn't have said that.

Do you think there's some kind of connection between moments like these, and being forced by stubborn clients to point out the glaringly obvious? Nah, couldn't be...

Fun with the new lab.

Up until this week I only took collections for one lab and one lab only. Every single sample I collected was sent to the same place for testing, and every single result was sent to the same place for verification before being reported. Monday my company added itself to the list of approved collection sites for a fairly large nationwide laboratory, which has very nearly doubled my workload and added a whole new set of rules to play by.

Hey, no sweat. I dig rules.

If you've ever worked in an office which made sudden, sweeping changes, though, you know that things can be hectic and disorienting for a while. Old routines have to be abandoned and incorporated into new ones. Everything has to be double-checked just to be sure it's going in the right place, or to the right person. And the situation is compounded by the fact that I work alone.

When I first started here I went through an uncomfortable period where I just attempted to wing it, at best. It takes a long time to get into a decent routine, and it took even longer to adjust to not having anyone working alongside me. No bosses to point things out that I've overlooked, no co-workers to blame things on when something goes awry. My job isn't difficult by any stretch of the imagination, but I hadn't experienced anything like it before.

For our old lab, I just type up the information (donor's name, company's name and specimen ID number) and e-mail a list to my boss each night. For the new one I have to fax some stuff to the medical review officer listed on the form. This information wasn't given to me until yesterday, which meant Monday was interesting in that I had a whole box of specimens to send out, but had no idea what to do with the forms that belonged to those specimens.

When word finally came down that the system was in place to process the paperwork and all I had to do was fax it off, I went down through the stack of backlogged forms and got them all where they needed to go. My uncooperative fax machine took thirty minutes to manage this herculean feat, but the point is it was done.

As the forms were whisking away across the country I amused myself by wondering how long it would take before one of these new MROs would call with a complaint.

Didn't take long. I got my wish this morning. Very early this morning in fact; the message was on my machine when I got in at 7:50.

"This is Dr. Cranky from such-and-such office in some faraway state you've never heard of. I need a chain of custody form faxed immediately. Please call my office back at [phone number] immediately upon receiving this message."

I tend to my first-thing-in-the-morning collections, then gather up my stack of recently-faxed forms so the one Dr. Cranky wants is at hand immediately.

"Good morning. This is Richard, I just received a message about a COC that needs to be faxed."

"Please hold," says a voice that I've never heard before.

A few minutes go by. The hold music is "I'll Be Watching You" by Sting.

"Yes, Richard," says the voice from my message, "I received some results from a collection done at your office, but I never received the COC." She rattles off the ID number from the form. "This was collected on the 9th... just wondering why it's the 11th and I haven't gotten anything yet."

"My apologies. I only started taking collections for this lab on the 9th and I'm still adjusting to the new procedures. Can I have your fax number please?"

"It's on the form, in the top-right corner, where it says 'fax number'," says Dr. Cranky in the same annoying singsong voice you'd use to tell your kids it's time to pick up their toys.

"Right, I just want to confirm the number on the form is correct." After all, I faxed this out yesterday afternoon. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt here; maybe the number on her form is misprinted. More likely she just didn't bother to check her fax tray this morning before calling me.

She tells me the fax number, one digit at a time. I tell her, "Alright, I'll dig that out and send it off to you right away."

"I'm sorry, 'dig that out'?" asks Dr. Cranky.

"Well yeah. I have a rather large stack of forms here, and it's going to take me a moment to find the one you want."

"Mmm-hmm. Richard, may I speak with your supervisor?"

"I suppose so. Do you have a pen handy?"

"Could you please transfer me to your supervisor, Richard?"

"No, I can't. I can give you her phone number though."

"I would like to speak to your supervisor immediately, Richard."

"I work alone in this office. To speak with anyone over my head you'll have to call corporate."

"What's the number, please?"

I tell it to her.

"Thank you Richard. Do you foresee future delays between the time a collection is taken and the time you send out the COC?"

"It's possible, but not likely. As I explained, I'm still adjusting to the new set of rules for the new lab."

"Thank you, have a nice day," she says, and hangs up.

It does amuse me that when Dr. Cranky goes to check her fax machine she'll be greeted with two copies of the same form. I bet she finds it and then calls my boss to complain anyway.

I'm wondering whether or not I should conveniently lose all of Dr. Cranky's forms from here on out. Hey, she thinks I'm incompetent anyway; I may as well act the part.

Two short stories.

A man comes into the office with four roofers in tow, all needing drug tests. "For what company?" I ask him. He replies, "SlogNat International."

SlogNat is not a name I'm familiar with. I ask if he has any paperwork.

"I've done a hundred guys here, I ain't never needed paperwork before."

But without some sort of paperwork I can't know whether or not you're my client.

"Don't worry, I am."

Oh, well, that settles it! The word of a man I've never met before and who may or may not have some incentive to purposely cause a mix-up in his company's drug testing (and yes, believe it or not, it does happen) is good enough for me. Come on in!

Except, no, not really. I don't recognize the man's company and he didn't bring me anything but his word, so I'll have to verify it. I get my supervisor on the phone and ask her to look up SlogNat in the computer.

"Nope, it's not in here."

You're sure?

"Yep, he's not ours."

I relay the information to Mr. SlogNat and he is not pleased. "Every guy who works for me done his drug test right here!" he exclaims, flailing his arms around like a rag doll. Except I've been working here two years and change, and I've never seen the name SlogNat before. He demands to speak to my supervisor.

I get her on the phone again.

"Oh, wait, did you say SlogNat? I looked up SlogNet."

I begin to apologize to Mr. SlogNat for the misunderstanding, but my boss isn't done with her assessment.

"...but his account is like $700 overdue. We can't do any more tests for him until he pays that up. Wow, last test we did for that company was 2002. No wonder nobody recognized it."

Mr. SlogNat receives this news and turns beet red. The four employees he's brought along with him begin to chitter amongst themselves.

One wonders what goes through one's mind the moment one learns one's employer is a total deadbeat. If your boss doesn't even bother to pay his bills, what assurance do you have that he's going to sign your paychecks?

---

We've completed Mr. Nicepen's collection and he's just signed his name to the form. "That's a nice pen," he comments. And he's right; it is a nice pen. I only use nice pens. Specifically, nice .7mm gel ink pens. My job involves a lot of writing, and I cannot bear to use cheap, scratchy pens anymore.

This does of course mean that I have an ongoing problem keeping myself stocked in pens, since nice ones tend to disappear while I'm not looking. Mr. Nicepen isn't a thief though. He at least has enough decency to ask me for one, in his own special way: "Hey, lemme get that pen."

"No," I tell him. I'm one pen short as it is. It takes six pens to keep my office fully equipped, and I'm down to five, which means one of my counters is naked as far as pens are concerned. "You can buy them at CVS, right up the street there. I think I pay four dollars for six pens."

"Come on man, lemme get that pen."

"No. I don't give away pens." Magazines, fine. Post-it notes, okay. I've even given away a phone book once. Heck, I'll sell you a Pepsi for fifty cents, if I've got one to spare. But my nice, comfortable, smooth gel ink pens? I don't think so.

"It ain't yours anyway, it's your boss's, so just gimme it," Mr. Nicepen insists.

"If I left it up to my boss I'd be using those disgusting Bic pens, or worse. I buy these myself." Thinking on it a bit, I decide to drive the point home. "I buy a lot of my own supplies. That's why I have the nice-smelling hand soap and two-ply toilet paper. I have to use this stuff too, you know, and I like having the good stuff."

"Man, bein' so stingy. I coulda just stole the damn thing."

"I appreciate the fact that you didn't."

"I just need a pen, man."

I go to my pen tray and retrieve a pen someone has left here. It's a grey pen that feels like fingernails on a chalkboard when you try to write with it. "Here you go, sir," I say, offering him the free pen.

Instead of accepting it, he repeats, "Man, bein' so stingy..."

He leaves, muttering to himself about how stingy I am. I place Frankenpen back in the tray.

Well, so beggars can be choosers. Learn something new every day, I do.

The name of the company wasn't really SlogNat. Since I was going to change the name anyway, I figured I'd at least change it to something hilarious and insulting.

Truck versus me.

I was just now very nearly pulverized by a semi truck.

Once every two weeks I bike down to the nearest mall on my lunch break to deposit my paychecks and indulge in a Target shopping spree. It's a long but straightforward ride along a stretch of road famously thick with large trucks. There are no sidewalks for most of the way, but instead large shoulders along the side of the road, so it only looks perilous. Two years of riding a bike to work and back have taught me to be extremely vigilant when I'm out and about. Even moreso than in a car, making a mistake while on a bike can get you killed. Heck, someone else making a mistake can get you killed. So to say I'm a careful bicyclist is understating it.

Competing with motorists who make expedient left-hand turns often provides the greatest challenge. Now, we've all done this: you need to make a left-hand turn onto a sidestreet or into a parking lot. You don't have a traffic light. You see an opening and you gun it. That's what this guy in the giant white semi truck did. The difference between this truck driver and you, I should hope, is that you check for pedestrians before shooting out across three lanes of traffic.

I saw the guy there with his signal on. I saw he didn't have enough room to make a turn. I saw that I had plenty of time to cross the sidestreet in front of him. These are the split-second judgments one makes all the time while operating a vehicle. On this occasion though, I misjudged. With a roar the truck came barreling towards me.

Usually in this situation I can just maintain my speed and zoom through the road, but the semi was just too big and was traveling too fast. I would have never made it. So I cut hard right instead, forcing a breakneck U-turn and sending me tumbling through some bushes and skidding across a parking lot. Then for a few moments the only things I was aware of were the earpieces of my mp3 player, which had miraculously not fallen out during the crash.

I pushed my bike off of my face and picked myself up. My right arm and wrist were shredded by the gravelly asphalt of the parking lot. The truck was nowhere to be seen. Either the driver literally didn't see me at all, or he didn't care enough to stop and see if I was hurt. An old woman in a red Buick made a right-hand turn behind the truck. She stopped to make sure I wasn't dead, which was damned decent of her. I wasn't seriously hurt, and my bike seemed to still work.

The woman looked quite shaken. She asked if I got the license plate of the truck. When I said no, she offered to drive me down the road to find the bastard and get the number. Really, all I wanted was to get back to work and get washed up. Besides, lots of large white trucks turn down this road, and they all look the same to me.

As I brushed myself off the old lady walked back to the road where I was almost struck and retrieved my Target bag. It had been ripped off of my handlebars when I turned so harshly -- that's how close I came to being obliterated. The Nintendo DS game I just purchased was smashed, presumably by one of the truck's back tires. As she handed the bag to me, she looked white as a ghost. I thanked her for her help, assured her nothing was broken, and wished her a Happy Holidays. She did the same and then got back in her car.

And so I slinked back to the pee clinic, scraped and bruised and more than a bit shaken. Fortunately only the box of my DS game is crushed; the game itself looks fine. My injuries looked much worse on the side of the road than they do now that I've washed them out and they've stopped bleeding. This isn't the first incident I've had on my bike; it's not even the worst. But it is the first time actual human interaction was involved.

Tis the season, I suppose. And a Happy Holidays to you all from the Peemeister who, for now, is still alive.

The song on my mp3 player at the time of the incident was "Your Horoscope For Today" by Weird Al Yankovic. I don't know if that's meaningful in the great cosmic scheme of things.

End of the line.

One of the larger construction companies I deal with has an unusual method of notifying its employees of random drug testing. Rather than drawing names and giving out notices with a 24-hour timeframe attached, they hand out all the notices at once with a cut-off date on it. My speculation is that this gives people who know they can't pass a few weeks to come up clean, therefore reducing the amount of employees that have to be punished for drug use. Or they just don't want to pay employees to come take a drug test on company time... I guess I don't really know.

However, this has an obvious side-effect -- all the construction workers who get notices just wait until the last day before the cut-off before coming in. That day was yesterday.

It's 4:30pm, and there are seven gentlemen waiting in the lobby. Anyone who doesn't do their drug test today has to face the music in the morning when they go in to work. Some of these guys have to go really badly, but are waiting patiently in line for their turn. Four minutes per collection, seven collections... well, I'm already going to get out of here late. No problem, it happens.

In walks Mr. Beard, a scraggly guy wearing a sleeveless shirt bearing the name of Construction Company X, the same company all these other men are wearing. I'm busy completing the paperwork for the next person in line when Mr. Beard looks around forlornly, stomps up to the counter, and tries to get my attention.

"Excuse me, how long is the wait going to be?"

"I figure about thirty minutes."

"Don't you close at five?"

"Yeah, but I won't leave without taking care of you. Go ahead and have a seat."

"I have to be at my night job by six."

"Then I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow," I reply, knowing perfectly well he's holding paperwork with a cut-off date on it.

"You don't understand," says Mr. Beard, "my boss gives me this paper to come down here, and says it has to be done by tomorrow, and you've got all these other guys in line. You have to move me ahead of them."

"You're free to discuss it with these gentlemen," I tell him. But a quick scan around the room reveals shaking, weary heads. Mr. Beard's just gonna have to wait.

I go back to do my collection and as I do I hear Mr. Beard pacing back and forth. He gets a few cups of water, of course using a new cup for each refill. He whips out a cell phone but closes it before placing a call.

Four minutes later I send the first man on his way and call out, "Who was next?"

Mr. Beard muscles in front of the elderly black gentleman who had begun to stand up.

"You need to take me ahead of these guys, man," he pleads in a voice low enough that I know he doesn't want anyone else to overhear, but loud enough that everyone does. "It's bad enough that my boss is making me do this. I mean I don't get off of work until five usually, I had to take off an hour just to come down here, and my boss isn't even paying me for it. I mean, this has to be done tomorrow. I can't lose this job and I can't be late to my other one."

I wave the black gentleman forward, double-check his ID to make sure I have the right paperwork, and reply to Mr. Beard, "Sorry, sir. Everyone has to wait their turn."

While doing one collection I like to come out and fill out the paperwork for the next person in line. It helps save everyone's time. In this case, however, it just exposes me to Mr. Beard's pleas and excuses even more. "Look, man, I'm not on probation or anything, I didn't just get out of jail, I'm not doing this for court... it's just for my job. Plus I really need to go, really bad."

"Of the gentlemen currently waiting patiently in the lobby, which of you are here from Construction Company X?"

They all nod, or grunt, or raise their hand, or otherwise affirm my question.

"And how many of you gentlemen received your notices on November 15th?"

They all nod, or grunt, or raise their hand, or otherwise affirm my question, again.

"If you get drawn again next month, sir," I tell Mr. Beard, "I suggest you come in on the 16th."

When I come back from completing my next collection, Mr. Beard is gone. I guess he really couldn't wait. I finish up the line and I'm out the door by about 5:05.

Some people just can't stand being at the end of a line.

I've waited in two-hour long lines for roller coasters. There's always this sense of relief once someone steps into the line behind me. I guess it doesn't really matter how long the line is, just as long as you aren't at the end of it.

Classic Peemeister - Free Your Mind!

Sometimes I sit down to write a Peemeister entry only to realize that nothing particularly humorous or interesting has happened recently. This problem is compounded by the fact that December is my slowest month. Of course, before I started this blog I would just post all the good pee clinic stories on my personal blog, the same one I use to whine about video games and politics and Survivor (but mostly video games). So, I dug up an old favorite from January 2005. Enjoy.

---

I think the key to doing a good job is to pretend like the well-being of the entire universe rides on your performance, and act accordingly. This is why, though most of the US populace (myself included) couldn't give two figs about drug testing, between the hours of 8am and 5pm I act like an absolutely brutal rules nazi.

I hear stories about the stuff collectors let people get away with at other offices, and I'm not having it. Nobody gets in without ID. Nobody signs without reading the form. Nobody slides by under 30 ml, and nobody gets their results before the employer gets them. My job is like an exclusive club; coming here is a privilege, not a right. It's my way or the highway, bub.

This is especially evident when people like Mr. FYM show up. FYM stands for "Free Your Mind"; that's this guy's ideology through and through. Free your mind from reason, logic, and common sense, and you'll be free of responsibility, obligation, and social mores. Because the only way to truly be free is to avoid conformity, whatever the cost.

Mr. FYM shows up and doesn't have ID. He didn't leave it at home, he says; he just doesn't have one. He says he ripped up his social security card too, and threw it away. He says carrying ID means they've got you in the machine, and he wants to remain free. I'm not making this up. He actually said "got you in the machine".

I know this fruit loop was just trying to sneak in under the rules, but the way he went on about it you'd think he was there to be my personal hippie savior. Why, he asked, do I content myself working in the endless world of the 9-to-5 grind? Why do I allow myself to be a tool of society? Why do I refuse to challenge the stuffy rules and regulations that bind me?

All this from someone trying to get a job at some roofing company.

I wasn't interested at all in having a discussion with some random nut. It was eventually understood that if he wanted to get the job, he'd come back tomorrow either with a photo ID or with his would-be supervisor in person so I could talk to him.

If I were to have gotten into a debate with Mr. FYM though, my point would have been something like this: challenging authority just for the sake of challenging authority is stupid. The vast majority of the rules we live by as a society are there for perfectly good reasons. Conformity makes my life easier. I couldn't imagine trying to live "outside the system"; I'd probably wind up like Mr. FYM: scraggly, dirty, wearing a shredded denim jacket and paper-thin blue jeans in the middle of January because I can't afford decent clothes, and desperately trying to get a job at a company that traditionally only hires folks who speak no English, and for minimum wage at that. Because I'm "in the system", and because I have a state-issued ID, and because I pay taxes and have a bank account and a Social Security Number and a credit card, I get to live in a nice comfortable apartment watching cartoons all day while drinking gallon after gallon of pre-made pre-sweetened iced tea and eating microwavable junk food, talking to people who live hundreds of miles away via the Internet about "reality" shows where people eat bugs... and all this in what is essentially perfect safety and privacy thanks to a stable government and public services like police and paramedics.

There are bad things about our government and there are bad things about our laws. It is our duty as citizens to have the wisdom to see where the bad things are and try to stamp them out. Throwing up your hands, throwing away your ID and adopting a "damn The Man" attitude simply is not an option. The sad reality of it is, for all the enlightenment Mr. FYM probably thinks he has, if he wants to pay his rent (I assume he's homeless, but I suppose we could give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's just crashing on someone's couch) he's going to have to show up at my office tomorrow along with his supervisor just to get the go-ahead from some jerk 20-something kid who plays video games all day to pee in a cup. If that isn't a kick in the head I have no idea what is.

I originally intended to follow this post up, but never did. I can't remember now whether or not Mr. FYM ever came back. Such is the fickle nature of blogging.

I'd just like to leave some information with you...

This time of year, the pee clinic sees more solicitors than actual clients. Everyone is out selling coupon books or pointless electric trinkets or is panhandling for some charity or another. I make it a point to never buy anything from solicitors whether I want what they're selling or not -- if I'm going to buy something or give to a charity, I prefer it to be on my terms so I can make an informed decision about what I'm getting and at what price. Avoiding impulse purchases is a great way to save money.

This year's batch of door-to-door salesmen is more aggressive than last year's. Many still follow the same routine of "okay you're not interested but can I leave some information with you?" All well and good; just fodder for the garbage. But a few seem to be trying new guilt-based tactics that I'm not familiar with. Little do these guys know that I am completely immune to guilt. I thought I'd share some of the more entertaining sales pitches with you.

---

A young woman walks in with a bundle of pamphlets. Before I even can say "Good morning" she introduces herself as Julie from such-and-such document company, and could she please speak to the person who handles all outgoing mail for the office?

"I don't actually have any outgoing mail."

"So you're in charge of outgoing mail?"

"Well, no. This office doesn't really mail anything."

"Is your manager here? Or is the owner in?"

"Afraid not, I'm all alone."

"Well then maybe you can help me. My company assists small businesses with outgoing mail by--"

"You're wasting your time. I don't have any outgoing mail. I handle all my business by phone and fax."

"I'd still like to go ahead and leave some information with you." She sets a pamphlet on the front counter. "Do you have a business card or something?"

"No. But like I said, I don't have need of your services anyway. I don't send outgoing mail."

"Well..." She curls up her face as she pulls the next part of her sales pitch out of her memory. "Such-and-such company also handles document shredding, it's totally secure and confidential--"

"I don't shred any documents either. Everything gets filed." I'm flipping through he pamphlet half-heartedly. Maybe I can use it as a bookmark.

"Oh. Well I'll go ahead and leave some information with you anyway..." She goes to set a second pamphlet on the counter.

"Thanks," I say, holding up my current one, "I already have one."

"Well, have a nice day then..."

"Yep, better luck next time."

---

A gentleman comes in wearing a nice but sweat-stained shirt. He's holding an armful of spray bottles and has a roll of paper towels tucked under his arm. He's obviously been out in the sun all day. (Yes, Florida still gets sun in November. And no, you really shouldn't be jealous.)

"Good morning sir, if I could just have a moment of your time I would like to tell you about this new line of cleaning supplies. Our products are completely environmentally friendly and--" He squirts some pink liquid into his mouth. "--totally non-toxic. Tell me sir, how much do you spend on cleaning supplies in a month?"

"Nothing. I get all my supplies from corporate."

He squirts pink liquid all over my already clean countertop and starts wiping it away with his paper towels as he launches into his next form of attack: "Well sir, I represent a new program aimed at helping underprivileged young men and women, and all of our non-toxic products are safe for home as well as industrial use. So tell me, sir, how much do you spend on cleaning supplies in a month at home?"

It's actually an interesting question, especially considering I'm not the cleanest of people. Most of the cleaning I do is just for the sake of personal hygiene, and my roommate ends up buying most of the stuff like laundry and dish detergent. Then, I catch myself doing the exact mental gymnastics this guy wants me to do, and instead of giving him a figure I just tell him: "Look, I'm not going to buy any cleaning supplies."

"Well sir I can certainly appreciate that, but I would like to leave behind my business card in case you stop thinking here--" He points to his head. "--and start thinking here." He points to his heart. The implication, of course, is that if I don't buy his non-toxic and apparently delicious cleaning solution, it's because I want poor and underprivileged young men and women to die in a gutter somewhere. Attempts to guilt-trip me automatically fail and trigger a sarcastic counter-attack.

"My heart pumps blood through my body," I tell him. "I don't want any cleaning stuff, and now you can leave."

He leaves his business card on the counter. I make sure he sees me throw it away. Immediately afterwards I clean the countertop with my good old Pine Sol and water solution.

---

A kid about my age pulls into the parking lot. He steps out of his car with an enormous white binder and heads off to the business on the far end of the office plaza in which I'm located. Several minutes later he appears at my door. He looks the sign up and down for a minute before deciding to come in.

"Hi," he says. "I'm looking to speak to he manager of the business, or anyone who loves great deals."

"I'll get him on the phone for you if you like," I reply. "He works over in Tampa."

"Well no problem, I'm here just to let you know of the brand new Chick-Fil-A that just opened up down the road, and to offer you some exciting new offers."

Amused that he used the word "offer" twice in rapid succession, I point out that the Chick-Fil-A "down the road" is actually about four or five miles away. It's about a fifteen minute bike ride at least, and I mention all the fast food joints between here and there. Not that I have anything against Chick-Fil-A, just that my office plaza is outside of that particular branch's sales radius.

He ignores me. "Well like I said we just opened up, and I'd like you to take a look at some of these great coupon books we have for sale, good at any Chick-Fil-A restaurant and on all menu items--"

"Wait. You're selling coupons?"

He gets a look on his face like he's just now noticing the idiocy of the situation. He tries to salvage the sale. "Well, yeah, and on most of our combo meals these coupons can save you up to 50% off the menu price which--"

"If I'm buying the coupons from you, how am I saving money? Wouldn't you just leave the coupons here, and then I could use them or not use them?"

The kid knows he has a line here and he tries to remember what it is. Why am I selling coupons... why am I selling coupons... oh yeah! "Well sir they make great gifts, this being the holiday season, and for small businesses they're a great way for small businesses to show employee incentive."

Yes, "small businesses" twice. "So that's why you'd need to speak with my manager."

"Yeah, but you could also give them to friends and family for the upcoming holiday season, and give the gift of great savings."

I have to laugh at him. I just have to. He's trying so hard. "Dude, if I gave chicken coupons to any of my friends or family, I'd get slapped in the face." I didn't mention it to him, but if I ever opened my paycheck and found a buy-one-combo-meal-get-a-free-large-Coke coupon inside for a restaurant that isn't even in walking distance of my work, I'd have to call my boss and have a firm conversation with him about what is and what isn't appropriate "incentive".

"Well sir I'm very sorry to bother you..." The kid gathers his stuff and leaves.

I guess it's my loss though. I mean, I eat at Chick-Fil-A at least once a year, and sometimes those combo meals can cost like five bucks. I'm sure everyone will be crushed come Christmas.

---

Three young girls come to the door with a basket full of flowers.

"Hi," they say in well-practiced unison. "Would you like to purchase a hand-made flower pen for three dollars to help the such-and-such church girl's soccer team?"

"Sorry girls, soccer is against my religion."

They exchanged confused glances. I can see a woman waiting for them outside with a minivan, either their mother or their youth group leader. "Our soccer team is from such-and-such church..."

"I'm sure you guys are awesome. But my religion teaches that soccer is a sin, so I can't help you. Sorry."

"Okay... have a nice day..." They slink away.

I know it's wrong to mess with kids, but it's just so easy.

I half-expect the woman to come barging in to yell at me, but she doesn't. Nor do they visit any of the other businesses in the strip, which I consider odd. They're all busier than mine, and all employ old ladies who are more susceptible to the little-kids-charity sale.

One day, those girls will be taught to use guilt as a weapon in their sales pitch. Well, either guilt or boobs. I guess it just depends on which circles they land in.

For the record, I do give to charity. Just not soccer teams or non-specific "underprivileged youths". And not for the cheesy products I'd get in return, either.

I did not "miss" the Bucs game.

Thanksgiving day, and I'm sitting in the living room with my cousin and my brother, and we're watching Titanic. Polite banter is passed back and forth about the movie. Cool special effects are pointed out. The soundtrack is made fun of. We're not watching the movie so much as using it as an excuse for conversation.

An uncle walks in the room and laments, "Oh man, I can't believe you guys aren't watching the game!"

Why on earth would I want to watch "the game" when there's a perfectly good movie on?

Quite frequently someone will come into the pee clinic and attempt to start conversation about whatever sports season it is. "Did I see last night's game?" No, I didn't. "Oh man, you missed a good one!" Can't very well miss something I didn't try to catch.

I see this hurt look in their eyes when I tell them I don't follow sports. Some people stare at me as though I'm an alien creature, altogether new and strange in a world they thought they knew. Some look as though they take offense, as though foot/base/basketball is a device that is hooked directly into their heart, and my dismissal of the practice served to interrupt the flow of blood to their brain.

Some simply don't comprehend my point at all.

"Oh, not a Bucs fan, huh?" No, not really. "Then who do you like?" What do you mean? "Which team do you like?" I don't really like any of them. "Come on, you gotta root for someone." I don't like football. "Oh. Baseball, then?"

It's not as though I have some kind of overt anti-sports agenda. I mean, I do, but I don't push it down anyone's throat. I just try to take a polite exit out of the conversation and leave it at that. Just about everyone agrees that politics and religion are off-limits as far as discussions between strangers... but apparently rejecting chitchat about sports is sacrelige.

I suppose I understand what's going on here. People want smalltalk, but they don't know me so they don't know what to talk about. This is true for everyone. That's why the first thing out of everyone's mouth when they talk to you in the line at the bank is the weather. Everyone deals with the weather. Everyone can talk about that. Even the most socially deficient rock-troglodyte can admit that, yeah, it's been pretty windy lately.

Once weather is covered (which, in Florida, means the conversation is either about how "hot" or "very hot" it is), the next logical topic is sports. That's usually the one place you can find common ground with just about anyone without offending them or making assumptions about them. I imagine when people hear "I don't like sports" something in their brain shuts down and they refuse to believe it.

People see my PS2 and ask if I picked up Madden '06 yet. "No," I reply. "I prefer to spend my money on good games." And I have to wonder what the game shelf at the guy's house looks like. Does he really just have this huge string of football games, each one slightly nicer looking than the last, with a new year tacked onto the title? How many football games do you have to watch before they all start to look the same?

When people complain about the lack of variety in my magazines (they're all sports and car magazines) I point out that I used to have subscriptions to Wired and Skeptical Inquirer and Game Informer, but people kept stealing them. So either everyone already has the most recent Sports Illustrated, or nobody cares about it enough to steal it. (I could put a joke here about the stereotypical sports fan not being able to read, but that would make me look like a real prick, so I won't.)

After Thanksgiving dinner was over and everyone kind of shuffled off into their own little clique somewhere, I peeked in on that weird old uncle I mentioned earlier. He was sitting in the living room, alone, watching his game. And they say I'm the most anti-social person in the family.

It's not that I try to avoid conversation at any cost. Just ask the guy who struck up a conversation about World of Warcraft... we must have chattered for half an hour before either of us remembered there was a drug test he was supposed to take.

And I thought it was going to be slow today.

The dirtiest man I've ever seen in my life comes stomping into my office. The soiled shirt he's wearing bears the company logo of one of my clients, and he speaks with a thick European accent that I cannot identify. He looks excrutiatingly unhappy.

"Good morn--"

"I need to see Nina."

"...who?"

"Nina."

"I don't know anyone named Nina."

"Are you Nina?"

"No."

"Go get him."

"Sir, nobody works here named Nina."

"This place... is for drug testing?"

"Yes sir."

"Go get Nina."

"Sir, I'm the only person who works in this office."

"Go get your manager."

"I'll be happy to get him on the phone for you."

"No, go get him."

"He doesn't work at this office."

"Go in the back and get him."

"Sir, there's nobody in the back."

"See that car? That car right out there?"

"The red one?"

"That is Nina's car."

"It's very nice."

"So go get Nina!"

"Sir, I don't know who Nina is. He isn't here."

"That is Nina's car!"

"I'll take your word for it."

"You drug test here?"

"Yes, I do."

"And Nina's not here?"

"No, he's not."

"But that's his car?"

"I wouldn't know."

And with that, the man slams his fist on the counter, grunts loudly, and then storms out, slamming the door.

Whomever Nina is, and wherever he's hiding, I would suggest he stays there.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Flimsy little strips.

It can be uncomfortable -- even absurd -- to know that sometimes a crucial element in your life rests on something so tiny and flimsy as a temperature sticker. A piece of paper which changes color when it warms up. Essentially, a series of tiny mood rings glued to the side of a plastic cup. It's ridiculous.

But, there it is.

The job of the temperature sticker is to give a handy visual display whenever a sample is too hot or too cold. The idea is that the inside of a human body is of a certain temperature, and anything that comes out of the human body will likewise be of a similar temperature. If it's too cold, it means the sample was likely sneaked in from outside. If it's too hot, it means the cheater was at least smart enough to spin it in a microwave first.

Or, it could mean the temperature sticker is acting up.

A call from my boss. "A guy is going to come in for a DOT test. He already walked out on one collection because he says the temperature sticker was broken." That's bad news. Walking out on a DOT collection means you could lose your commercial driver's license -- and therefore your job. My boss continues: "I told him to go over there and do another collection. I don't know if it will do him any good, but it's not like he has anything to lose at this point."

Make no mistake, this guy is already screwed. That other lab, whomever they are, have to report a cold sample for any DOT collection. The specifics aren't important; basically what it means is that the lab has to file some paperwork saying that So-and-so refused to take a drug test. The cold sample will be sent to the lab and scrutinized. Maybe it's unfair, but this guy is now in so much more trouble because he tried to cheat and then refused a retest than he would be in had he just gotten caught with pot in his system.

Let me put it this way. A positive result might have gotten him fired, but he could then go find work in his field elsewhere. A refusal to test means no more license -- which means no more getting hired anywhere.

The way I understand it, when you get a commercial driver's license your name goes on a list. Your employer by federal law has to drug test half his employees every year. Now, these test results are randomly audited. If a file gets pulled and looked and it says So-and-so refused to test, that employer gets a call. If So-and-so is still working there, the employer gets slapped with a hefty fine. It's not in an employer's best interests to go to the mat for you on this, and it's been my experience that they are not sympathetic.

When So-and-so shows up, I can tell right away he's not going to try and pull anything. He's had a long conversation with my boss. He realizes exactly where he messed up and now he's got the look of a chased deer in his eyes. He asks lots and lots of questions. He asks if I think it's fair if I lose my job because of a drug test. Which, of course, I do. And anyway it doesn't apply to me. For one, I don't have a commercial driver's license and for another, I don't do drugs.

He asks lots of other things. Oh, the other guys didn't make me wash my hands before I went in. Does that invalidate the test? "Well, no. It just means different companies have different procedures."

The other guys asked for a list of medications. Why haven't you? "Well, I don't have any medical training. Maybe their collector did."

He asks if he can be present during the actual test. "You'll have to call the lab and ask them."

And finally, he asks about the flimsy temperature strips. He asks what percentage of them don't read correctly.

"Honestly," I reply, "I've never seen one not work."

And that's the truth.

Tiny, stupid little pieces of black paper. But they're perfectly reliable -- at least in my experience.

I know sometimes people come in here and break the rules. And they get away with it. And I don't mind that. But sometimes people come in and the rules break them instead. Even giving this So-and-so guy the benefit of the doubt... let's say that first strip was broken. He still walked out. He still slipped up. He's still out of luck.

He'll lose his job and probably his license, all because of a little strip of paper that changes colors when it warms up.

If you don't know the difference between a DOT drug test and a regular drug test, don't worry. That just means you probably will never have to take one.

Coffee.

First thing this morning is a phone call. It's an adventurous one. It's from Mr. Coffee.

Mr. Coffee came in for his drug test some time ago and asked lots of questions. Generally this is the sign of someone looking for a loophole to slip through. I believe in giving absolutely concise one-word answers to questions like these, and then directing them to call my bosses for more information. Questions of this nature include "Does x show up on a drug test?" where x is anything from poppyseed muffins to aspirin to coffee.

Yes, we've all seen that episode of Seinfeld. And yes, it's got some basis in fact. It is possible for perfectly normal, legal items to show up as illegal drugs on a drug test. However, if the smart scientist guy from our lab is right, it's also possible to discern the difference between an innocent bagel and black tar heroin. As a rule, no, the things you eat and drink cannot provide a false positive.

Coffee, however, will not show on a test. That's just absurd. Everyone in America would be failing every drug test they took if coffee provided a positive. Even the harshest 10-panel tests I do collections for don't look for caffeine. Heck, the amount of Pepsi I drink on a daily basis would cause me to fail my own tests if that were the case.

Nonetheless, Mr. Coffee insists that our test screwed him because he drank a lot of coffee that morning.

He begins, in his best politely annoyed voice: "Hi, this is Mr. Coffee. I was in for a test about a month ago for a job and it said I was positive."

"All the test results go back to our main office. I, in fact, never see them. You'll have to call them for more information." I begin to provide the phone number, but he cuts me off.

"Yeah, I already called them right before calling you, they said to call you since you're the one who did the test and you're the one who said coffee doesn't show up."

Coffee? Surely this gentleman is kidding.

"I find that odd, sir, as the main office doesn't open until 9:00 am, and under no circumstances would they have directed you to me." It's 8:06 am. I haven't even had my first Pepsi yet.

"But you're the guy who did my test."

"Actually, I don't do any testing here, and I never see the results. You'll have to call the main office after nine for more information."

"I read that coffee shows up on a test and I just want to know why you lied to me."

Coffee? Surely this gentleman is kidding.

"I don't know where you read that, sir, but it's false. Coffee doesn't provide a false positive. None of the tests I do here check for caffeine."

"Oh, so you do do the tests there yourself?"

Whoops. My bad.

"No, sir, I misspoke. I do only collections here, not tests. And I never see the results. And coffee does not appear on drug tests."

"I read it on the internet, and you need to stop screwing with me. I lost a job because of you!"

Internet? Obviously this clown is kidding.

"Can you tell me the address of the article?"

"What?"

"I want to read the same article you read, about coffee providing false positives on drug tests. Hold on a second, I'll open my laptop."

"I don't have time for this. I lost a job and I couldn't even get my kid a Halloween costume because your test is [expletive deleted] up and you would rather screw around on the computer than do your job."

"Once you tell me the address of the site where you found the article, I can work from the same information base as you. I expect it's from a peer-reviewed scientific journal?"

"...it was on an anti-drug test website alright? I don't have time for this, you just want to screw around. I don't believe that I lost a job and you don't even care. I should have you fired so you know how it feels."

Anti-drug test websites. Ah yes. I know them well. I wonder if he read the one that sells the dehydrated urine or the one that sells the fake penises?

"To be technical, sir, you didn't lose the job. You can't lose a job you didn't have in the first place. And I doubt I'll get fired from mine -- I don't drink coffee."

As Mr. Coffee jumps into his next string of excuses and obscenities, I watch a woman clamber up to my door from the parking lot. I have to end this phone call. And I was having such fun, too.

"Sir, I have to go. Feel free to call the main office to ask about your results and have me fired. Bye-bye."

I hang up on the guy mid-sentence.

My next free moment, I dig through my paperwork and find Mr. Coffee's collection. It was for one of my Gold Service clients, which means I have his pre-screen results sitting here. Of course, I don't have the official lab results -- just the ones from the little eyedropper kit.

Non-negative for marijuana and cocaine.

Must have been some coffee. Juan Valdez would have been proud.

I imagine if you were to inject pure caffeine directly into your blood stream, it could foul up a drug test. Of course, you'd also be too dead to care.

Backed up.

Friday before last, it's about 4:50 pm, and nature calls. My samples are already gone for the day, so I lock up and make one last use of the facilities before leaving. I go ahead and make my deposit in the porcelain throne and... it won't flush.

The toilet is completely backed up.

Fortunately the bowl isn't filling with water; I don't have a brown flood on my hands. All this situation really calls for is some handy plunger work.

It's amazing what you can learn about your workplace even after being the only living being there for two solid years. As it turns out, I don't have a plunger. Yes, my office exists as a place where the bathroom is (for the most part) the main event, and I am minus one plunger.

There are a lot of little nooks, crannies and hidey-holes in my office. Lots of unused drawers, cabinets, corners and shelves. A systematic search of the entire office is one of the first things I did upon being hired here, of course -- this was back when, even with my boss's blessing, playing Gamecube on the clock somehow felt wrong and instead I opted to clean places in the building that never even see light.

My explorations then turned up lots of neat little knick-knacks: staple-remover, blood draw supplies (including needles and latex gloves), mountains of Post-It notes, lengths of hose, paint, air filters... these things have provided me with endless entertainment on the afternoons before I managed to score internet access. Of course, at the time I was not looking for a plunger so I didn't make a note that one didn't exist.

About this time (now after 5:00) my only real course of action is to call my bosses and let them know we have a serious plunger emergency. However, their office doesn't allow incoming phone calls after 5pm.

The grim reality of it hits me: I have no choice but to let this festering pile of ick sit in my toilet over the weekend.

And, as weekends are wont to do, the memory of Friday's unpleasantness faded away. The grim reminder didn't come until about 10am Monday morning, when my first female collection of the day walked in.

I won't describe in gory detail the contents of the bowl at this point, but suffice it to say that critters were now involved in the process.

At this point, you're probably wondering why I bother to type a post lamenting the existence of poop. After all this blog is for stories about the particulars of my profession, not about the contents of my potty. So, I introduce you to Ms. New York.

Ms. New York is tiny. If she didn't have crow's feet, wrinkles and saggy breasts I would have guessed she was fourteen years old, or thereabouts. Did I mention she was from New York? Because she did -- at least two or three times per sentence.

I explained to Ms. New York what the situation was. I could not conduct a collection because of... technical difficulties. I called the powers that be immediately and requested plumbing assistance, but for the time being Ms. New York's only options were to sit and wait, or drive to our other office where they (presumably) had a working commode.

Neither of these options were suitable to Ms. New York. She can't sit and wait because she's from New York and has better things to do (her words), and she can't drive to the main office because she's from New York and she'd get lost (again, her words). She insists that, since she's from New York, she can just "tough it out" in the nasty bathroom.

She's from New York after all. She's seen worse.

I would like nothing less than to envision this woman locked inside a room with the foulest things imaginable, but alas it is against regulation. I can't conduct a collection unless the water in the toilet is blued, and while I'm sure there is a trace amount of bluing agent still in the bowl at this point it's impossible to tell. So I politely turn down her offer.

Ever the master of compromise, I counter with an offer of my own: she could use the men's toilet. Being a waterless urinal it can't possibly break; it's essentially just a porcelain drain stuck to the wall.

"I don't know what you've heard about women from New York but we don't do that!" she snaps. Except... not really in those words. The words she actually uses are the vocal equivalent of what's haunting the bathroom right now.

"Then you'll have to sit and wait, or go to our main office," I reply, officially out of apologies. I hand her a map and describe how to get there.

"Look, I'm from New York but I'm not a jerk or anything, I just want to get this done. So what can we do?"

Irritating doesn't begin to describe this person. The only thing I are about when you walk into my office is which company sent you and which test you need. I write your name on a piece of paper but I don't commit it to memory. The place that spawned you doesn't even register on the list of things I care about during our transaction. I honestly don't know what New York has to do with anything at this point; does the woman want special treatment?

Curiosity gets the better of my good sense, and I ask her.

No, of course she doesn't think she's entitled to special treatment, it's just that she's from New York and people who aren't from New York have this misconception that people from New York have bad attitudes and she wanted to make sure I knew that she was from New York so New York New York New York.

Eventually she left in a huff. I thought she was going to explode.

I wonder what state she was from...

Twenty minutes later I got to watch my boss attack the toilet with a brand new plunger. Clog removed, I was up and running again. Ms. New York came back the next day to complete her collection.

She came in a taxi on both days.

To be honest I was actually a little proud that my manly log was able to defeat my toilet so easily.